“In acting out, I was screaming when I could not voice my pain.”

Big Red Book of Adult Children of Alcoholics p. 503

I have acted out in so many ways throughout my life – drinking, drugs, food, toxic relationships and dependencies, and the list goes on. Yes, my behavior has definitely been hurtful to those around me, but the one I have harmed the most has been myself.

Recently, I have become so much more aware of the ways that I self-harm and just how much I do it. Self-sabotage has been a word in the forefront of my mind for a few months as my eyes have been opened to just how I much I do this to myself.

I think of a little girl opening her mouth to scream and no sound coming out.

I picture that same little girl screaming at the top of her lungs, but only for a second until a huge hand covers her mouth and she has lost her voice.

I have been and still am that little girl. In order to voice my pain, I have to be able to identify it, get in touch with it and have the courage to speak it. Then I need to sit with and process it. These are a lot of steps and difficult ones at that!

For the longest time, I used so much time and energy to suppress and hold down my internal pain. I held it down with food, alcohol, drugs, busyness, denial, and hyperfocusing on others or situations. I didn’t let myself look at let alone speak of what was really at my core. I held that stuff down so worried that if I let up for a second, my insides would spew out like a geyser. That was a terrifying thought.

I had periods of opening up, but I snapped shut again pretty quickly. It was so painful. I was dying from the inside out.

I have heard so many things like this…..

“Why would someone hurt themselves like that?”

“I have no idea why people would cut themselves.”

“Suicide is so selfish.”

When someone feels an unbearable amount of internal pain without healthy releases, eventually they will do whatever it takes to try to make that pain go away. In my experience, self-harm in one form or another is usually the method of choice.

We are not bad people. We are people in pain.

When there is physical pain, we go to our first aid kit or medicine cabinet or to a professional. When there is emotional, mental and spiritual pain, it is a whole different ball game.

Many times when I am screaming in physical pain, there is a clear first step to take. It is easy to identify and name my physical pain.

When I try to scream in emotional pain, many times the sound doesn’t come out. Many times, the screaming immediately turns inward and self-harm begins. The whole situation just got more complicated and difficult. When my scream does come out, it is generally not so easy for me or the people around me to determine how to proceed.

Recently I have been going back to some self-harm behaviors with food. A few weeks ago I hit a very low point. My husband asked one of the most beautiful questions,

“How can I support you?”

That’s what we do right? We want to support and love people and we ask this beautiful and genuine question. The problem is many times neither people have any clue to the answer. Sometimes the answer is simply to be there, be present, show up and listen. Other times, some concrete action needs to take place.

But I am at a bottom of a dark hole looking up along the high dingy sides that have to be overcome to get into the light with my husband. He wants to throw me a rope. He would climb down and carry me out if he could, but there is too much risk of us both getting stuck down there.

So I found myself turning to Google because I couldn’t answer his question. I found some helpful suggestions.

I am learning to use my voice to scream and scream loud to let myself and others know the truth about me and to avoid resorting to self-harm to try to take the edge off the pain.

Thanks for being my people and letting me scream here today!



  1. I may need your help. I’ve been doing research on gate io recently, and I’ve tried a lot of different things. Later, I read your article, and I think your way of writing has given me some innovative ideas, thank you very much.

  2. I am a student of BAK College. The recent paper competition gave me a lot of headaches, and I checked a lot of information. Finally, after reading your article, it suddenly dawned on me that I can still have such an idea. grateful. But I still have some questions, hope you can help me.

  3. You really make it appear really easy along with your presentation however I to
    find this matter to be really one thing that I think I would never understand.

    It seems too complex and extremely large for me. I am taking a look forward to your next
    post, I’ll attempt to get the hang of it!

  4. Hey! I know this is kinda off topic nevertheless I’d figured
    I’d ask. Would you be interested in trading links or maybe guest writing a blog post or vice-versa?
    My blog covers a lot of the same subjects as yours and I believe we could greatly benefit from each
    other. If you might be interested feel free to shoot me
    an email. I look forward to hearing from you! Excellent blog
    by the way!

  5. Hi there to all, how is the whole thing, I think every
    one is getting more from this web page, and
    your views are fastidious in support of new people.

  6. Howdy! This is kind of off topic but I need some advice from an established blog.
    Is it very hard to set up your own blog? I’m not very techincal but I can figure things out pretty fast.
    I’m thinking about making my own but I’m not sure where to begin. Do you have any ideas or suggestions?

  7. I know this if off topic but I’m looking into starting my
    own weblog and was wondering what all is required to get setup?

    I’m assuming having a blog like yours would cost a
    pretty penny? I’m not very web savvy so I’m not 100% certain. Any recommendations or advice would be
    greatly appreciated. Thank you

  8. Hey there just wanted to give you a brief heads up and let you know a few of the pictures
    aren’t loading properly. I’m not sure why but I think its a linking issue.
    I’ve tried it in two different web browsers and both show
    the same outcome.

  9. fantastic publish, very informative. I wonder why the opposite experts of this sector do
    not notice this. You must continue your writing.

    I’m sure, you have a great readers’ base already!

  10. whoah this blog is excellent i really like studying your articles.
    Stay up the great work! You recognize, lots
    of persons are searching round for this info, you could help them greatly.

  11. Thank you a lot for sharing this with all of us you really realize what you’re speaking about!
    Bookmarked. Kindly also talk over with my website =).

    We could have a hyperlink exchange arrangement among us

  12. I don’t know if it’s just me or if everyone else
    experiencing problems with your site. It appears like some of the text in your content are running
    off the screen. Can someone else please comment and let me know if this
    is happening to them too? This may be a issue with my web
    browser because I’ve had this happen before. Cheers

  13. Cool. I spent a long time looking for relevant content and found that your article gave me new ideas, which is very helpful for my research. I think my thesis can be completed more smoothly. Thank you.

  14. I have read your article carefully and I agree with you very much. This has provided a great help for my thesis writing, and I will seriously improve it. However, I don’t know much about a certain place. Can you help me?

  15. God keeps walking me through each step of the way. The gifts I am receiving and the new places I am able to move into continue to foster such gratitude in my heart. Only with my God, my amazing crew of people and my program is it all possible. Thank you for being one of my people!

  16. I learn so much from your shares Shannon. Emotional pain is so vague without clear borders. Self awareness is one of the steps in learning about emotional pain that you have portrayed beautifully in this article. I pray Jesus will continue to reveal the problems and solutions to you as you share and heal sometimes inches at a time. God bless

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

Post comment