The past few months have been extremely difficult for me. My chronic GI problems ramped up to a completely new level and my body hit a wall. The months since February have been filled with MANY appointments, tests, phone calls, emails, Internet searches, time spent in the bathroom and with my heating pad in bed. Many tears have been cried and I have found myself disappointed, frustrated, confused, discouraged, ashamed, grieving, fearful and asking “why”. My emotions have been all over the place and many times I could cry at almost anything.
“I am doing all the ‘right’ things, why on earth am I experiencing this?”
“It’s not fair. “
But on the other hand, the past four months have included hope, gratitude, joy and new learning. God has led me to some really great practitioners who have helped and who are continuing to help me on this journey. I am learning a lot about myself and my body while going deeper in my faith and level of surrender. Even though the process has been excruciating at times, I know deep down that I am being led to bigger and better things.
“The best is yet to come.”
This sentence came back to me recently in a way that only God could bring. These words came from the mouth of my beloved Lead Pastor at church. I sat in the pew staring at the stage wondering if I had heard him correctly. You see, right now my mind is running at about 50% speed and capacity. My brain fog is due to my health issues coupled with my emotions and fatigue. I’m lucky if I can be any sort of present and functional at times. The other thing is that these words have a very special place etched in my heart and when I hear them, they touch me in a very deep place. They first came to me in 2015 from the Senior Pastor of the church that raised me as a spiritual infant and child. He was leaving after being at the church for over 38 years. He was following God’s will and a man of integrity and he kept reassuring our congregation with those beautiful words,
“The best is yet to come.”
And now here I was at the new church that I have called home for only about two years, that doesn’t always feel like home, hearing these exact same words under very similar circumstances. I am now going through my second lead pastor transition just a few years later and this time feeling a little heartbroken while also so happy that this wonderful man of God is faithfully and wholeheartedly following His call.
I know God gave my pastor those words to encourage this congregation and to emphasize his trust in the amazing things in store for our church. But at the same time, God gave those words to me. He reminded me that the best is yet to come in my life. He encouraged me to just keep going in faith knowing that He is fulfilling His great plans in my life. This is certainly an uncomfortable part of the journey albeit a necessary one. The Artist is continuing to create and shape me, His masterpiece. Despite the weakness and fogginess I felt sitting in that pew, those words, those beautiful, life-giving words lifted my eyes and heart to the only One who can truly fulfill all my needs. It was a treasured gift!
When things are really tough for me and I admit and accept that I have come to the end of myself, very surprising, wonderful things start to happen for me. My eyes and heart become open in a completely new way. I slow down and shift into God’s path for me rather than running on my own hamster wheel. I start to experience myself, others, God, situations and happenings totally differently. I am awake to things that I may have glossed over before. I stop fighting so I am more open to embrace the many gifts that God is putting in my path.
Recently I was crying out to God telling Him how resentful I was at Him and myself around my health, emotions, limitations, wants, needs and the things I’m struggling with. I poured it out and didn’t hold back at all. I was completely uncensored and gave God all of me, my selfishness, dishonesty and fear. I spent a lot of time in prayer and meditation on this and journaled quite a bit too. Then I asked God what He would have me be. This is what I got……..
“God would have me be grateful for the way that I have been created. God would have me be accepting, gentle and loving of myself. God would have me be affirming myself and celebrating His design and plans for me. God would have me be seeking and following His plans for me while laying down my own. God would have me be trusting in Him with COMPLETE abandon.”
As I tuned into His words and connected my heart to His, a peace enveloped me and my pen scrawled these words in my journal……
You have been created in such a unique and wondrous way. God knew what He was doing when He created you. I know you struggle because you often feel so different from others. Your instincts and intuitions often feel like they go against the grain of society. I know that’s really hard for you, but remember this is a gift. You were created with a keen sense of yourself and the disposition to enjoy quiet downtime so that you can connect with God, yourself and others. In our society today, that has been lost by many. You are one of the blessed ones that still maintains this desire. You are special, so very special. Unfortunately the disease and the enemy want to strip this from you by making you believe there is something wrong with you so you abandon yourself. I beg you not to fall for this ploy! Because the world needs you just the way you are. Your family and friends need you just the way you are. And most importantly, God and you need you just the way you are. Connect to yourself, to your wildness, to your true self that has existed from the beginning. That is you and that is the you the world needs and wants. I love you!
In the midst of my turmoil God showed up for me, allowing me to show up for myself. How is God showing up for you these days? How are you showing up for yourself?
Keep trudging Wholeness Warrior!
Read other letters I have written: